It's been a little over a year now since I last wrote. Lots of things in my life have changed since then. I feel more than a little lost, especially as of late. I am working, however, to get my feet back on the ground.
Updates:
Found boy. Fell for boy. Loved boy. Got engaged to boy. It didn't work....
So I tried to make it work. Tried to fix it anyway. Staid with boy out of love and fear of the oh-so-awful "I told you so" from former allies-turned-absentees. Hid strife from friends, but staying only hurt us both. Became ashamed and embarrased. Lost trust. Lost hope. Lost too many things to count... lost myself. Became scared for my emotional / mental/ physical/ spiritual well being. Got tired of crying myself to sleep. Had a conversation with a "lil" friend of mine. Learned that some things cannot be fixed, no matter how badly you want them to be. Spoke to grandmother. Spoke to parents. Spoke to God. Subsequently, broke his heart and mine by walking away.
Doing the right thing hurts like hell.
Current Status:
Wish broken boy the best as he -hopefully - seeks help to gain healing. Hoping he'll find the peace and happiness he so desperately needs...heartbroken that I couldn't be the one to give it to him.
Currently alternating between intense relief and indescribable sorrow/guilt. Never wanted or expected to be in this place. In need of help...so will eventually be going to a counselor to deal with the parasites of pain that are wriggling their way through my soul. Trying to rebuild self-esteem, rediscover identity, and re-claim faith. Ashamed. Humiliated. Broken...but hoping and praying that the healer of broken everythings will restore me. Hoping to learn from my failings to help myself and others keep from ever visting this place again.
Sorry for any heartache I've caused along the way.
Waiting for the sun to rise...waiting for the silent screams to ease into a still surrender. Trusting that purpose and direction will be revealed...and that I'll be granted the strength and grace to follow through.
That's where I'm at. That's all I've got.
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2 comments:
Oh, dear. I suppose all I have in response to all of that is.. I'm very sorry you've had to go through all of that pain and confusion.. both while in the relationship and now that you're trying to figure things out being out of it.
I suppose we never really understand why things turn out as they do. The important thing to remember is that at some point in the future, this experience will help you grow and will give you knowledge and power over anything that may arise. You've survived. No silent screams. You stood up. You spoke. You are Megan. Now it's time to reclaim yourself and rediscover what makes you the stunning women you are.
If you ever need me, I'm here. If not, I'll still be here... giving you silent support all the way through.
In the meantime. Don't worry about me saying a word to him. It's a trying time for you both and I understand that.
Love you!
Oh, dear. I suppose all I have in response to all of that is.. I'm very sorry you've had to go through all of that pain and confusion.. both while in the relationship and now that you're trying to figure things out being out of it.
I suppose we never really understand why things turn out as they do. The important thing to remember is that at some point in the future, this experience will help you grow and will give you knowledge and power over anything that may arise. You've survived. No silent screams. You stood up. You spoke. You are Megan. Now it's time to reclaim yourself and rediscover what makes you the stunning women you are.
If you ever need me, I'm here. If not, I'll still be here... giving you silent support all the way through.
In the meantime. Don't worry about me saying a word to him. It's a trying time for you both and I understand that.
Love you!
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