I don't regret my decision to break-up with my fiance. For where we were at and what was going on in our lives, it was the right thing to do. I know that now...but it's still hard and, in spite of everything, I still miss him. So much.
I wish I could hate him, that I could rant, rave, and curse him from here to Timbucktu.
All I can manage is a bitter, nostalgic sigh.
He's changing...for the better...and I am instensely jealous and heartbroken by it, as petty as that sounds.
He's found a church and finally started attending on a regular basis - all on his own.
He's involved with the music ministry at his church.
He's eating healthy, working out, and trying to take care of himself.
He's learning how to manage his money.
He's got a chance to - if it pans out - get out of the dead end job he's been stuck in and pursue something that makes him happy.
....all of which I begged him to do when we were still together. For months, I begged. Months. Now, when it's too late, he finally acts on these things.
I am happy for him. I truly am. It brings me great joy to know that something good has come out of this, that - despite all the heartache - his life is changing for the better, that he is finally becoming the person that God meant for him to be.
It just breaks my heart that it's all happening now that I'm gone.
Why? Why couldn't it have happened when we were together? Why couldn't he realize the things his realizing now when I begged him to? Why does he get to be a good person now that he's away from me?
At the risk of sounding like a petulent two-year old, it's not fair.
It's good, I'm happy for him, but it simply isn't fair.
And it hurts.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Ethical dilemmas
Former boy is sick...going into the hospital for a procedure.
He wants to see my puppy for a couple of days before he goes.
Mentally, I'm thinking "Well, the guy's about to go through a lot...you should probably "woman-up" and be kind - even if it's hugely uncomfortable. He doesn't really have anybody and this could be a good thing to do." Which, of course, my parents are gunning for.
The more emotional part of me is saying "I don't want to be anywhere near this man. The thought of it alone makes me hurt. It's my dog; he doesn't have a right to insert himself into my life anymore."
I feel like my personal boundaries are being violated...like I'm being forced into continued contact with a man I want nothing to do with. I just want to be left ALONE. So much of my life for the past year and a half was wrapped up in doing what he wanted me to do. Consequently, my instinctive reaction is to say "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is my life now. You can't have it back; you can't be a part of it."
My inner two year old is screaming "THIS IS NOT FAIR" but part of me grudgingly worries I'm being petty...
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?
God knows I'm out of them.
I feel like my entire life is hanging by some sort of invisible, unbalanced, thread. I can't see which way I'm supposed to turn on the highwire. Will I have a job two weeks from now when the county-wide lay-offs are announced - which will mean frantically searching for a new apartments and/or new roomates. Or will I be forced to trek it back to Orlando and search for a job there, living with my parents - kowtowing to their views, rules, and procedures - as though I were some sort of invalid instead of a fully fuctinioning adult? I just don't know...
And the worst part is, I'm not even sure which one I want anymore.
I am going to feel like an utter failure if I stay with my parents for more than the summer. If I'm truly an "adult" then I should be doing the adult thing and be trying to make my own life. But God, it is lonely in an apartment by yourself with no one but your dog for company; and at least I'd be as far away from the former-fiance as possible...less potential for heartahce that way. Not to mention, the security of a familiar place is extremely comforting in its own way....
I guess I'm just looking for direction. I will try to cope with whichever scenario I end up following: I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing - following the course of action that will actually get me somewhere and help me DO something with my life.
Guess I'm just waiting for the right window....
He wants to see my puppy for a couple of days before he goes.
Mentally, I'm thinking "Well, the guy's about to go through a lot...you should probably "woman-up" and be kind - even if it's hugely uncomfortable. He doesn't really have anybody and this could be a good thing to do." Which, of course, my parents are gunning for.
The more emotional part of me is saying "I don't want to be anywhere near this man. The thought of it alone makes me hurt. It's my dog; he doesn't have a right to insert himself into my life anymore."
I feel like my personal boundaries are being violated...like I'm being forced into continued contact with a man I want nothing to do with. I just want to be left ALONE. So much of my life for the past year and a half was wrapped up in doing what he wanted me to do. Consequently, my instinctive reaction is to say "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is my life now. You can't have it back; you can't be a part of it."
My inner two year old is screaming "THIS IS NOT FAIR" but part of me grudgingly worries I'm being petty...
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?
God knows I'm out of them.
I feel like my entire life is hanging by some sort of invisible, unbalanced, thread. I can't see which way I'm supposed to turn on the highwire. Will I have a job two weeks from now when the county-wide lay-offs are announced - which will mean frantically searching for a new apartments and/or new roomates. Or will I be forced to trek it back to Orlando and search for a job there, living with my parents - kowtowing to their views, rules, and procedures - as though I were some sort of invalid instead of a fully fuctinioning adult? I just don't know...
And the worst part is, I'm not even sure which one I want anymore.
I am going to feel like an utter failure if I stay with my parents for more than the summer. If I'm truly an "adult" then I should be doing the adult thing and be trying to make my own life. But God, it is lonely in an apartment by yourself with no one but your dog for company; and at least I'd be as far away from the former-fiance as possible...less potential for heartahce that way. Not to mention, the security of a familiar place is extremely comforting in its own way....
I guess I'm just looking for direction. I will try to cope with whichever scenario I end up following: I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing - following the course of action that will actually get me somewhere and help me DO something with my life.
Guess I'm just waiting for the right window....
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