Dum Spiro Spero

So I got the news in the mail just recently: I did not get accepted to the grad school I applied to. So there goes my one would-be consolation prize for getting through all of this...the one thing I tired to do for myself in the midst of it all. *insert aggravated/sad sigh here*

Add to that an ex-fiance who's having difficulty letting go, and life has been somewhat complicated lately.

I find myself going through cycles of emotion: intense sorrow/grief, loneliness/longing, intense relief, and passing joy. I keep rotating through these phases, as if my emotions were the four stages of a clock. And, like clockwork, all four stages appear without fail.

I find, though, little things are getting me through:

Mommy's who come and stay the week with me at my apartment so I won't feel so alone.

Myriads of emails, advice, and comfort from friends

Thursday's at Picasso's Cup painting my "She Who Must Be Obeyed" Mug; I will toture my students with it.

Hymns to chase away the tears at midnight, when no one but God can hear me.

And the promise of lost and broken things getting renewed: friendships, dreams, etc

I'm beginning to suspect that, though I am less than fond of this current place, this is exactly where I need to be. I was always so afraid that if I let go, if I gave God any real control of my life, that I would lose everything.

The great irony here, of course, is that - by not letting God in - I lost everything I "thought" was important anyway: the relationship, the grad school, the dream career. There will be no white dresses, no flowers, no happily ever after's: at least not right away and not the way I pictured them. All of these idols I had in my life have finally fallen through the cracks. I, literally, have nothing else to lose.

What a terrifyingly awful and wonderful thought at the same time.

Right now, I'm just trying to trust and believe that whatever is in store for me will be far better than anything I can imagine.

Granted, my imagination's not exactly hoppin' right now, but you get the idea.

Though the wounds still hurt, though the memories won't fade, in the absence of a fairy tale, in the presence of a shattered dream, I'm hoping, praying, and desperately trying to cling that tiny thread of something I haven't felt for a long while now:

hope.