I've come to the conclusion that I am a somewhat depressed person. Or, at least, I suffer from a very melancholic personality type. It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling absolutely wonderful to bone-shatteringly heartbroken. Maybe it's just that I'm overly sensitive. I do tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve: a classic symptom of an artist's temperment, I know, but I just can't seem to help it.
I'm feeling horrendously overwhelmed. This whole "you need to be a grown-up" thing is starting to kick in and I'm absolutely terrified. I'm starting to realize how little time I have left before graduation, before I'm supposed to find a "real job" and become an "adult." I feel...trapped. Like I'm suffocating under the weight of my own future. My writing block has yet to dissipate, I have to hunt for jobs and apartments, and hope that I get into a decent grad school that I can simultaneously afford.
Of course, my foul mood is compunded by the fact that I don't know where I stand with "The Boy." First he drops words like "couple" and "dating". Then he reverts to the ever so dangerous "friends." Back and forth, back and forth. My mind and heart can't take much more of it. I really am tired of being alone. I've been as patient as I know how to be. You'd think after being single for all except 2 weeks of your life that a girl would be long overdue for some luck. It's not that I can't make it on my own: I just don't want to. I'm so tired of being alone. I want someone to hold me, to cuddle up next to me in bed as we watch stupid action flicks and make fun of the actors. I want someone I can leave random notes for to brighten his day and remind him that he's loved. I want someone who I can laugh with, argue with, cry with, and -most importantly- love. I'm so ready to be taken...and it would be so nice to actually win in that arena for a change...
A friend of mine, who has since sadly regressed to being more of an acquaintance, once told me that I was the best Slytherin incognito she knew (Meaning that I was sneaky, clever, ambitious and -above all- competition). On the one hand I was flattered. On the other, I was deeply saddened. She - like so many people I know - cast me in a category that I have yet to understand: threat. Apparently, I'm wonderfully skilled at intimidating the dickens out of people, which makes me laugh because I spend 3/4 of my time being intimidated by everyone else. My newfound "prowess" makes me laugh. It's so strange to go from social outcast to quasi-butterfly. People think I'm this terribly confident/arrogant individual who's out to step on everyone. In reality, I'm just a bookworm who has gained a smidgen of poise and masquerades as a confident person because I don't want to make myself a target for those who DO step on people...
Yes, I'm horribly ambitious. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be remembered years from now as someone who contributed something to the world. If there's anything I fear, it's mediocrity. I want to be respected, recognized, etc. I want my life to MEAN somthing. I want to prove my worth, significance, and skill. In some ways, I guess I do want to be competition (that's just not all I want to be).
Yes, I'm fairly clever. I can do the social manuvering thing just as easily as I can ace a Lit exam. I know the words to drop and the smiles to plaster on, much as I hate doing so. I'll admit it: I most definitely DO know how to play the game. Trouble is, I don't have the heart to.
So the ultimate dilemma then, is this: I have all the skills and traits that signal me as "threat" but not the selfishness to act on them. Well, not that I don't have it, but I try desperately to supress it because I have no love of hurting people. I'm just so tired of scaring people. Why does "different" have to be frightening? Yes, I'm smart. I guess there's no denying that now. But that doesn't mean I'm going to use my intellect to abuse you. I've slipped on ocassion, but that's never really been my ultimate goal. Yes, I suppose I could be classified as "cute," but that doesn't mean I'm out to steal your boyfriend simply because I said "hello" and smiled at him. I LOVE it when that happens (insert eyeball roll of epic proportions here).
I could be that cruel. I could be that vicious. I could be that selfish...but I choose not to be. Why? Because I care about people. Becasue, beneath all my failings, I'd rather help people than harm them.
So what do you do when you're a Slytherin with the heart of a Hufflepuff, the brains of a Ravenclaw, and the reckless loyalty and zealousness of a Gryffindor? Really? Where do you fit? Where do you go? What do you do? I sometimes wonder if my perpetual singleness and isolation are the result of my "scariness" factor. I'm really not that scary. Not really. It's just that no matter what I do, people seem too eager to believe their preconcieved ideas about me rather than inquiring and finding out the truth...
I suppose this boils down to the fact that I want someone to see me for, well, me. Someone who can look beyond the facade, beyond the mask I wear to make others happy, and see me for who I am...and like what they find. God help me find contentment and hope in my solitude for the meantime....
I'm feeling horrendously overwhelmed. This whole "you need to be a grown-up" thing is starting to kick in and I'm absolutely terrified. I'm starting to realize how little time I have left before graduation, before I'm supposed to find a "real job" and become an "adult." I feel...trapped. Like I'm suffocating under the weight of my own future. My writing block has yet to dissipate, I have to hunt for jobs and apartments, and hope that I get into a decent grad school that I can simultaneously afford.
Of course, my foul mood is compunded by the fact that I don't know where I stand with "The Boy." First he drops words like "couple" and "dating". Then he reverts to the ever so dangerous "friends." Back and forth, back and forth. My mind and heart can't take much more of it. I really am tired of being alone. I've been as patient as I know how to be. You'd think after being single for all except 2 weeks of your life that a girl would be long overdue for some luck. It's not that I can't make it on my own: I just don't want to. I'm so tired of being alone. I want someone to hold me, to cuddle up next to me in bed as we watch stupid action flicks and make fun of the actors. I want someone I can leave random notes for to brighten his day and remind him that he's loved. I want someone who I can laugh with, argue with, cry with, and -most importantly- love. I'm so ready to be taken...and it would be so nice to actually win in that arena for a change...
A friend of mine, who has since sadly regressed to being more of an acquaintance, once told me that I was the best Slytherin incognito she knew (Meaning that I was sneaky, clever, ambitious and -above all- competition). On the one hand I was flattered. On the other, I was deeply saddened. She - like so many people I know - cast me in a category that I have yet to understand: threat. Apparently, I'm wonderfully skilled at intimidating the dickens out of people, which makes me laugh because I spend 3/4 of my time being intimidated by everyone else. My newfound "prowess" makes me laugh. It's so strange to go from social outcast to quasi-butterfly. People think I'm this terribly confident/arrogant individual who's out to step on everyone. In reality, I'm just a bookworm who has gained a smidgen of poise and masquerades as a confident person because I don't want to make myself a target for those who DO step on people...
Yes, I'm horribly ambitious. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be remembered years from now as someone who contributed something to the world. If there's anything I fear, it's mediocrity. I want to be respected, recognized, etc. I want my life to MEAN somthing. I want to prove my worth, significance, and skill. In some ways, I guess I do want to be competition (that's just not all I want to be).
Yes, I'm fairly clever. I can do the social manuvering thing just as easily as I can ace a Lit exam. I know the words to drop and the smiles to plaster on, much as I hate doing so. I'll admit it: I most definitely DO know how to play the game. Trouble is, I don't have the heart to.
So the ultimate dilemma then, is this: I have all the skills and traits that signal me as "threat" but not the selfishness to act on them. Well, not that I don't have it, but I try desperately to supress it because I have no love of hurting people. I'm just so tired of scaring people. Why does "different" have to be frightening? Yes, I'm smart. I guess there's no denying that now. But that doesn't mean I'm going to use my intellect to abuse you. I've slipped on ocassion, but that's never really been my ultimate goal. Yes, I suppose I could be classified as "cute," but that doesn't mean I'm out to steal your boyfriend simply because I said "hello" and smiled at him. I LOVE it when that happens (insert eyeball roll of epic proportions here).
I could be that cruel. I could be that vicious. I could be that selfish...but I choose not to be. Why? Because I care about people. Becasue, beneath all my failings, I'd rather help people than harm them.
So what do you do when you're a Slytherin with the heart of a Hufflepuff, the brains of a Ravenclaw, and the reckless loyalty and zealousness of a Gryffindor? Really? Where do you fit? Where do you go? What do you do? I sometimes wonder if my perpetual singleness and isolation are the result of my "scariness" factor. I'm really not that scary. Not really. It's just that no matter what I do, people seem too eager to believe their preconcieved ideas about me rather than inquiring and finding out the truth...
I suppose this boils down to the fact that I want someone to see me for, well, me. Someone who can look beyond the facade, beyond the mask I wear to make others happy, and see me for who I am...and like what they find. God help me find contentment and hope in my solitude for the meantime....
1 comment:
Lol...Hint, I'm bored...
I want to yell out so you can hear me in your faraway palace in the land of lakes and swans:
"I SEE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!! AND I RECOGNIZE WHO YOU ARE!!!"
We can be friends :)
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