Kindred Spirits

Have you ever noticed how the vast majority of women writers - Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, etc, etc - remained steadfastly alone? Their works have touched the lives of millions. Their creativity and passion are the stuff of literary legend. However, they failed to attain the one thing they desired above all else: a loving, lasting, relationship.

Jane Austen, in particular, strikes a chord with me. Granted, I'm probably focused on her more since I just went to see "Becoming Jane," but -nevertheless- I identify with the poor girl. As characters in the movie all too frequently proclaimed "The good do not always come to good ends." In fact, I think the word "seldom" was even applied at one point. Jane, for all her fire, passion, and devotion, was denied the one happiness she craved most in life. She spent her entire life writing, yes, and doing what she loved, but she paid for it: she lost the love of her life.

When given the choice between being "good," "successful," or "happy," which do you choose? Particularly if the three show no signs of aligning? In terms of heaven and hell, good is the obvious choice. And, sometimes, good people gain success. But for all our insistence that righteousness will be rewarded, the rewards are decidedly few and far between in this fallen world.

At this point in my life, though, I feel like if I am "good" then I cannot be "successful" or "happy." For me, successful would be a writing career and book deals...something I seem unable to attain without writing about dark, Anti-Christian, themes. Is that sending out a postive, Christ-focused message to the world? No. But am I good at it and, on some level, do I enjoy and believe in it? Yes. It's also troubling to me that the minute I enter "yay Jesus," mode, when I ignore human suffering, I seem completely unable to write anything at all...

But, even if I am successful without being good, that does not mean I will be happy. Like Emily, Jane, and so many other women writers before me, I wonder if I too am destined to spend my life alone, craving love and a connection with someone but never attaining it. While watching a scene in the movie in which Jane Austen is attempting to Elope with Lefroy, my friend -Christina- leaned over and asked me "If you had to give up EVERYTHING in order to be happy, would you do it?" Overwhelmed, all I could offer her was a weak "I don't know" in response.

Everything. That's a big word, isn't it? What price would I pay to be genuinely and truly happy? Would I sacrifice my friends? My family? Would I suffer my mother's tears and my father's silent disappointment? The potential subsequent disowning that would be likely to follow? Could I handle being an object of disappointment? Shame? Someone who is whispered about regretfully behind closed doors? Could I surrender certain ideals, traditions, and manners of thinking? Eschew values with which I have been raised, thereby breaking the hearts of others who love me in the process? Could I give up dreams of being "famous"? Of pursuing my own career in whatever field I choose? My dreams? My goals? My ambitions? Could I really surrender EVERYTHING? And is being happy really everything to begin with?

I'm not sure that I have a concrete answer to that question. Experience has taught me that love is sacrificial in nature and, by default, one should expect to give something up in order to gain it. True love, after all, is rooted in an absence of selfishness, in considering the other person and loving them enough to realize the difference between wants and needs. Ideally, they should look after your needs and you should look after theirs. Then both parties are equally protected and cherished. Knowing that, then, part of me is more than willing and, indeed, capable of surrendering things in order to love and be loved. It's part of being human, really. And there is most definitely a rash, reckless, and zealous part of me that would joyously burn bridges if I knew something beautiful would be waiting for me on the other side.

So there's the eternal pardox: Happiness = love. Love = sacrifice. But what happens when your sacrifice, your "selflessness" towards one person, causes you to act selfishly towards another? What if the person you love causes you to hurt others? Ex. Family doesn't approve of your sacrifice/the one you love. Or someone else also cares about the one you love and you hurt said someone by pursuing the one you want. Can you be selfless and selfish at the same time? Can your willingness to love someone else, to achieve that happiness that all human beings crave, be construed as selfish as wrong?

Part of me desperately craves to break free from everything I've ever known. I both do and do not want to be selfish. I don't want to hurt anyone...but I want my life to be MINE. I want to chase after something I think is beautiful and wonderful...even if other people I care about don't agree. I don't want to be condemned for being different, for being a-typical. I WANT TO BE FREE. Free to just be...me. Unhindered by the expectations of my family and the church. I daresay God - who made me - must be aware of how I am. None of this, therefore, should come as a shock to him. I just want to be human: a flaw-filled, imperfect, human. I want to be allowed to make mistakes and not have people think less of me because of them. I want to break rules. I want to taste the forbidden. And who says it's forbidden anyway? The fam? The church? Some long dead Jewish disciple who was just as human, flawed, and sinful as I am? Hmmm.....

It will be interesting to see where things go with this boy of mine. I feel like this will be a pivotal decision for me - should things continue on the course I hope. Will I draw back and return to the life, values, and beliefs I've known? Or will I surge forward and abandon "everything" for the chance to encounter something real? Or will I even be allowed to have the chance to make that choice? Will I have the courage to do what seems to be the harder of the two - choosing happiness?

I've gotten all too skilled at playing the martyr. I discussed this very issue with my friend Kadi the other night. In regards to "The Boy," she told me the following: "You need to take that chance and experience what it is he has to give you.. Or later along the road, you'll regret it. I mean.. he's what you've been looking for, and you deserve your chance at being happy, at least for a while. Take it... you've just got to give yourself at least this.... It's time to live."

Something in me soared upon reaading those words on my AIM screen. I only have this one life to live, this one chance to learn, grow, and fail/succeed on my own terms. When it's done, it's done. When I'm in either heaven (hopefully) or hell, the time for decisions and changes will have come and gone. I am utterly terrified...I don't know what will happen...I do know I'm tired of feeling like I'm living a hollow shell of an existence. One thing is for certain...Kadi's right: It's time to live. God, please....PLEASE, let me live....