Former boy is sick...going into the hospital for a procedure.
He wants to see my puppy for a couple of days before he goes.
Mentally, I'm thinking "Well, the guy's about to go through a lot...you should probably "woman-up" and be kind - even if it's hugely uncomfortable. He doesn't really have anybody and this could be a good thing to do." Which, of course, my parents are gunning for.
The more emotional part of me is saying "I don't want to be anywhere near this man. The thought of it alone makes me hurt. It's my dog; he doesn't have a right to insert himself into my life anymore."
I feel like my personal boundaries are being violated...like I'm being forced into continued contact with a man I want nothing to do with. I just want to be left ALONE. So much of my life for the past year and a half was wrapped up in doing what he wanted me to do. Consequently, my instinctive reaction is to say "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is my life now. You can't have it back; you can't be a part of it."
My inner two year old is screaming "THIS IS NOT FAIR" but part of me grudgingly worries I'm being petty...
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?
God knows I'm out of them.
I feel like my entire life is hanging by some sort of invisible, unbalanced, thread. I can't see which way I'm supposed to turn on the highwire. Will I have a job two weeks from now when the county-wide lay-offs are announced - which will mean frantically searching for a new apartments and/or new roomates. Or will I be forced to trek it back to Orlando and search for a job there, living with my parents - kowtowing to their views, rules, and procedures - as though I were some sort of invalid instead of a fully fuctinioning adult? I just don't know...
And the worst part is, I'm not even sure which one I want anymore.
I am going to feel like an utter failure if I stay with my parents for more than the summer. If I'm truly an "adult" then I should be doing the adult thing and be trying to make my own life. But God, it is lonely in an apartment by yourself with no one but your dog for company; and at least I'd be as far away from the former-fiance as possible...less potential for heartahce that way. Not to mention, the security of a familiar place is extremely comforting in its own way....
I guess I'm just looking for direction. I will try to cope with whichever scenario I end up following: I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing - following the course of action that will actually get me somewhere and help me DO something with my life.
Guess I'm just waiting for the right window....
rants, ramblings, and random scribblings by run-down writer in need of room to breathe
1 comment:
i know you wrote this a while ago, but here's my opinion: stay away from him. its the only way to ensure you don't get involved again.
moving to orlando may be a good idea to help with that (not that i'm biased and why haven't you come by yet??? summer is nearly here and you won't have many more excuses).
The only way i avoided a 4th breakup with mike was moving away from him for the summer. if i hadn't, i could possibly be married to the guy cuz i didn't know how ti say no.
i don't understand your parents' views on this. the only reason i didn't raise any objections to your dating him was because i thought your mom had a steady head on her shoulders (and i still think she does) and she seemed to like him as much as you did. he reminded me too much of mike with his lack of boundaries and extravagant gifts. but you liked him and he seemed nice enough so i kept my mouth shut.
but again we disagree. i really think it best you cut all ties with him. i treated myself to dinner when i finally forgot mike's phone number. and my dad has made me swear to never name any child of mine michael =p
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