Breaking news: My life is a soap opera

Breaking News: My life is a soap opera

In September, I recieved a letter on my doorstep. In it was my mother's anniversary ring - the one with four diamonds to represent the four members of our family - and a letter saying that my dad had "left her."I later learned that he'd accused her of having - at the very least - an "emotional affair" with her coworker and business partner. She, however, having learned of his online affair with another woman, apparently felt justified.

After several months of bitter arguements and feeble attempts at reconciliation, it became clear that things weren't going to get better. I, meanwhile, was having flashbacks of my time with my former fiance...horrible, soul-shattering flashbacks of things so terrible I'd "forgotten them"...and was now remembering them with heartwrenching clarity...

Cue the entrance of the classic "push and pull," the "he said, she said," that all children of divorce go through - no matter their ages. Cue my father openly admitted to cheating on my mother (at least in cyberland)....something I never really wanted to know. Cue my dad dating other women almost immediately after they seperated...and before their divorce was even finalzed. Cue my mother becoming paranoid....tying off the doors in the house with electrical cords when the alarm stopped working, accusing my father of "spying" on her via remote locating software (as if he were some sort of homicidal maniac). Cue mom oscillating between apologetic, antagonistic, and anal rententive.

Cue me not knowing how to feel about my dad...and worrying that my mother was having a mental breakdown.

Cut to: my dad only calling me when he wanted money or needed something.Cut to: me finding out, via the internet, that - when she "didn't have time" to come visit/see a movie with me - my mother was taking the daughter of the man she supposedly had an affair with out to a music concert. After weeks of asking her to come see me because I felt so alone. Because I had no one.

Fade to: me, sobbing and screaming at her over the phone. All I can manage is "She's his kid," while Mom proclaims that she never knew I was so selfish or immature. She cannot understand why I'm being so "unreasonable."

Cut to: me the next morning, unable to go to work because I feel so sick. Zoom in on me, having a panic attack for the first time, because I can't breathe I am so hurt. Pan out to me, in a counselor's office, being told I have anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of what my parents and former fiance have done to me. I began treatments and started learning coping techniques. Fade to black.

Flash foward a total of 6 months. I had logged into facebook and made a startling discovery: my mother had deleted all the pictures she had of my father and had started using her name. I had to discover, via a social networking site, that my parents were officially divorcing each other.

They didn't even have the decency to give me a phone call by way of warning.

Fade to a picture of my family in a dictionary: the word "dysfunctional" is typed in black ink in the sidebar

.......Intermission....... during which.....

I go through counseling, finally realize that it's my family that is psychotic (not me), and that despite what my former fiance has done to me, I am strong and able to survive anything.

I learn that I can love people without agreeing with what they do. And that, sometimes, that's the only option we have.

I realize that my happiness is in my hands...and I cannot wait for someone to find it for me.

I realize that no one has the right to tell me what to do or how to live my life...because it's MINE. I come to understand that I strong - not weak - because of all I have been through.

And, because of what I have been through, I come to understand that I have no room to judge...anyone...and no longer have any desire to.

I learn there is a hope for me...and that I am not "lost" or without potential.
I learn that I do have talent...and I am "good" at some things...good enough to get into one of the top low-res grad schools in the country -Vermont College of the Fine Arts - and will now have the ability to pursue my dreams (instead of someone else's).

I learn that, even for the most damaged of souls, God always has and always will have a plan.
And God always saves.

Days of Our Lives...eat your heart out.

How's THAT for a life lesson?

What is feminism? Quotes and Thoughts

Rebecca West:
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

Elaine Heffner:
Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering.

Gloria Steinem:
This is no simple reform. It really is a revolution. Sex and race because they are easy and visible differences have been the primary ways of organizing human beings into superior and inferior groups and into the cheap labour in which this system still depends. We are talking about a society in which there will be no roles other than those chosen or those earned. We are really talking about humanism

Jane Galvin Lewis:
You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman

Michele Le Doeuff:
A feminist is a woman who does not allow anyone to think in her place.

Women are not the weak, frail little flowers that they are advertised. There has never been anything invented yet, including war, that a man would enter into, that a woman wouldn't, too. ~Will Rogers

To tell a woman everything she may not do is to tell her what she can do. ~Spanish Proverb

Women are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not inherently anything but human. ~Robin Morgan

"Feminism is not about a lack of faith in God. On the contrary, it is the actualization of faith; it is the acknowledgement that God is God and man is not. If we really go back to our roots, if we really look back at our original translations, if we really get into the sematntics of it all, I think we'll find that God - the real G0d - is a decidedly different entity from who we imagine God to be. God is bigger than gender, above and beyond mere matters of "male" and "female": I daresay we should be as well." - Anonymous

Nooo....Come back, TNIV! Nooooo!

So, in the same day that I learn of the existance of a gender inclusive verison of the NIV (YAY!!!!! OH RAPTUROUS JOY AND DELIGHT!!!) I also discover it is being pulled from the shelves because certain major, male players in fundamentalist camp - Dobson, et al - are pitching a fit (BOO! HISS!!! WRATH AND WOE!).

I am utterly heartbroken.

I discovered this distressing fact on Her.meneutics - a women's blog designed to focus on issues important to Christan women. The blogger, however, Karen Beaty, alleges that the loss of this gender inclusive Bible "won't mean that much, actually."

Really?....Um....can we say showdown? ;)

I couldn't resist replying: I'm # 2 on the board, Lol.

I find this sort of sentiment absolutely infuriating - especially coming from a woman. Please, please, PLEASE go there; read this article for yourself. Better yet, go visit Zondervan's website afterwards and tell them just what you think about the course they're on. Regretfully, this decision is yet another classic, heart-rending example of why feminism is still needed and relevant (especially in the Christian sector!) We, of all people, are supposed to be promoting equality, justice, and Christ's love.

Answer me one question, Karen Beaty: How does this recent turn of events accomplish that?

Enlighten me.

Bravo, Jimmy Carter

My goodness it's refreshing to see that people can still think for themselves and that they aren't afriad to challenge tradition to stand up for what is right. I've already blogged on the "submission" verses (see April), but kudos to Jimmy Carter. His decision to leave the Southern Baptist church was no doubt a very difficult but very brave one. I applaud President Carter's integrity and his desire to see justice done in the world. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Methinks I may be a Methodist

So, I've been going to the Methodist Church down the street for about two months now...and I really, really like it. I am so excited to be attending this church (and I can't remember the last time I felt that way).

I can honestly say that this is the first church that, ideologically and theologically, I agree with. I've checked byline after byline, issue after issue, and I'm about 98% on the money with the Methodist worldview. There are no words to describe how exciting this is for me: I never thought I'd find a church where it was okay for me to be intellectually curious and challenging without being accused of being heretical.

I'm no longer lost in the fundamentalist camp!!!! YAY!!!

I just bought a book that will likely frighten my mother: Saving Dawin: How to be a Christian and Believe in Evoltion. I'm not really sure where I stand (having come from hardcore Fundie roots that, quite literally, scream "Evolution is the devil!") However, I am curious. Now that I am an adult, I think I would like to be able to make the decision whether or not evolotion is valid for myself, hence the research. Again, I love the Methodist stance that science and faith should not be incompatible...and that is soooo different from what I grew up with.

I'm not sure where I'll swing either way, but I want it to be my swing: not my parents' or anyone else's. So I'm really looking foward to reading this book and deciding for myself where I stand.

Though I must confess: part of me gets evil kicks and giggles out of the idea of putting a Darwin fish and a Jesus fish kissing each other on the back of my car. Thanks for that, Becky. Lol!

Interesting...

It has been three months and twelve days since I broke up with my former fiance, who I had been with for one year and four months.

A month after we'd broken up, he called me and told me he "might have met a girl."

Two days ago, I found out he was officially "in a relationship", a la facebook.

Yesterday, I was informed that he is no longer merely in a relationship: he is now engaged...


to a girl he's dated for, at most, two months.

There really are no words to describe my emotional reaction to this; I'm not really sure I even know how I feel myself. The only thing I can keep thinking is "Wow." Just "wow."

I've gone from "Love of his life" and "the one that got away" to "replaced by some random new chick" in the blink of an eye.

Two months.Two months.

Wow.

Success...sort of

So, Ashley and I tried baking chocolate chip cookies with almond flour today...one word: SUCCESS!!!!!!! Oh my goodness! They are soooooo yummy! All we did was take an ordinary chocolate chip recipe and modified it a bit: we used Splenda bround sugar substitute and 3 cups of almond flour instead of 2 cups of regular flour. The consistency was a little different than normal cookies and, because they didn't rise, we initially had "cookie cake." However, with some creative shape cutting, Ashley and I might even go so far as to say that almond flour cookies are BETTER tasting than normal chocolate chip cookies! She, Ben, and I have already come close to devouring half the batch! Too awesome!

On the downside, I've been feeling a little discombobulated lately. Emailed an old professor asking him to look at my poetry portfolio...his reply email indicated that he didn't even give it an honest look over (didn't notice major changes, indicated that he'd mostly skim read, etc). It was more than a little disheartening...I was so excited about making progress on a portfolio for grad school: silly as it may seem, little things like this make me question whether or not I should even be doing such a thing.

Maybe I just don't fit...

*sigh* Hooray for PMS induced melancholic musings.

I can only hope that God will make my path clear...and that, once on it, I will find joy in the journey (instead of resenting the roads not travelled). We'll see how it goes.