In case you were wondering...kids do care

I am sitting here, at my teacher's desk, trying not to bawl my eyes out. Filled with joy. Sheer joy and pride in my students.

We have been learning about the Holocaust in my English classes and have started reading Night by Elie Wiesel. In conjunction with this, my kids have been doing research on more contemporary examples of genocide (Cambodia, Rwanda, Argentina, Srebrenica, Iraq, etc). Naturally, no look at present day genocide would be complete without examining one of the most horrific atrocities of all in our time: Darfur, Sudan.

I made a powerpoint with photos and info and introduced it. I told them we would be doing a "Dollars for Darfur" drive in my class - so that we are able to partner with Help Darfur Now in providing aid to the refugees there. I told them that the reason we were doing this was because I wanted their eduation to be real, for them to be learning and doing something that mattered in the world.

When the video was done, my kids sat there stunned. My normally hyper 9th graders were completly silent. Some were blinking back tears. One blonde haired teenage girl in the back raised her hand.

Me: Yes?
Girl 1: Isn't there something else we can do? Us...we...our class isn't enough.
Girl 2: Yeah. They do those breast cancer drives and pasta for pennies and stuff. Why can't we?
Boy: YES! We could put boxes in every homeroom class!
Girl 2: And make posters and Tshirts!
Boy 2: Maybe we could talk to the principal about holding a pep rally!
Girl 1: We could even make bracelets or sell lollipops or something!
Boy 1: Yeah, we've got to do something...

(excited brainstorming and chattering ensues...while I stand at the front of the classroom, trying very, very hard not to cry...)

Let it never be said that kids don't care. They do. And I am awed and humbled by their compassion.

So say a prayer for me. With these kids at the helm, I'm going to be a very busy lady. :D

Why God Prefers Atheists

I've been thinking a lot lately about God, faith, and the lack thereof. It started with an episode of Glee last week, in which Kurt - even though he is pressured to do so by his "friends" - refuses to profess in his belief in any sort of higher power:


"The reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people...or women...or science...I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? Well, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around and telling me that it's something I chose. As if someone would chose to be mocked every single day of their life....You can't prove that there's a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightening out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?"

Fair point, Kurt. Troubling, but a fair point.

At the episode's close, Kurt decides that his "sacred thing," is not singing songs in a cold, unfamiliar building, but his family (specifically, his father).

I then noticed facebook status updates and blog postings by many of my friends throughout the week pertaining to the subject. Some were outraged - i.e. how dare Kurt's friends try to make him believe in something. Others were upset by the episode's portrayal of religion: "We're not all crazy zealots!" My own emotions fluctuated wildly before settling somewhere in between after a somewhat unorthodox idea popped into my head:

I really think God likes atheists. Perhaps, even more so than some of his/her so-called "followers."

Think about it. What is an atheist's supposed sin? A lack of faith in something he/she cannot see, touch, or validate. Most of the folks I know who are atheists are sticklers on this point. They want facts, figures, and statistics. They want a logical explanation for things. They want PROOF.

...Why is that somehow wrong?

Granted, I hear the word "atheism" something in my heart just starts hurting - but that is only because of how I have re-discovered my own faith in a new way. Not that long ago, I - in essence - used to be one. Or, was agnostic at the very least. When I was attending Florida Southern College, I went through a serious "faith" crisis. I learned a lot of things that they didn't exactly teach us in fundie Sunday school:

"What? The Bible isn't inerrant? Hell could be a metaphor? The NIV (along with many other "versions" of the Bible) is a gender biased translation that, due to its many errors, has allowed countless women to be marginalized? WHAT?"

These issues, along with many others, deeply unsettled me. I didn't know how I could believe in a God that rationalized sexism, genocide, gay-bashing, intolerance, and endless other unspeakable horrors that I - in good conscience - could not reconcile myself to (and indeed, NO human being should reconcile him/herself to these things). For a period of several years, I walked away from anything resembling the Christian faith in its entirety. I relate very strongly to atheists for this very reason. I was so riddled by doubt and distrust in organized religion that I didn't think I could ever believe in God again.

Then, I met a boy.

A boy who I would eventually get engaged to, a boy who - unbeknownst to me at the time - would start abusing me, quietly. There are no words that can possibly describe what this boy - because I cannot use the word man - did to me. Suffice to say, towards the end of my relationship with him, things had escalted to a point where - had I not gotten help and gotten out when I did - I, quite literally, might not be here today.

There was one particularly bad episode, one in which he was screaming at me as he drove us down the road. Being stuck inside a moving vehicle, there was no way for me to get out. I remember sitting there, tears pouring down my face, as he screamed that I was a "whore" and and a "liar" and any other name he could think of to hurt me. Hoping that he wouldn't lose it and do something worse than scream.


I knew what would come later, as they always did: the "I'm sorry's" and the "it will never happen again's." But he wasn't. And it would. And it was as I was thinking on the fact that it was never going to stop - the endless cycle of heartbreak and coerced reconcilation - that it came to me. I hadn't been to church - Christian or otherwise - in over three years at this point. I couldn't tell you the last time I had read any sort of "scripture" or prayed a prayer. But as I sat in the cushioned seat of that haunted, dark blue Trailblazer, the words of an old Bible verse quietly came to me:

"Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."

It's Luke 6:45, though I couldn't have told you that at the time (indeed, I had to look it up again before attempting to write this blog. My Bible-thumping, scripture memorizing days are long gone). But there it was, clear as a bell inside my brain: "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." In otherwords, the truth of what a person really thinks, feels, and believes comes out when they are most passionate/emotional.

And in that moment, as I sat in that car and listend to my then-fiance verbally ripping me to shreds, I realized that this - the screaming, the name calling, the degredation, the lack of respect and love - was the truth of how he felt for me. Not the apologies. Not the empty promises of change I had clung to. This moment, this darkness, this was the truth and reality. And it was this realization that gave me the courage to find the strength to leave my abuser and get help.

This instance, this moment when truth returned and led me to freedom, is why I believe in God - the very embodiment of Truth. And why when I hear the words "I am the way, the truth, and life," I tend to think that Christ was talking less about a "ritual" and a "religion" and more about reality. A way of living. Of being.

Truth is my "sacred thing."

We've all been to a football game or some other similar event where we've seen some person holding up the iconic "God is love" sign. But God is more than that: "God" is every good and noble thing. "God" is what is right in the world. "God" is "truth"...and truth can free all of us.

Many years ago, Wheaton philsopher Arthur Holmes wrote a book, one that would prove to become a great source of theological/philisophical contention for those who came after him. On page eight of this book, Holmes makes the statement that "all truth is God's truth, wherever it be found," and I find myself deeply liking that idea.

This means that if something is true - if it's real, genuine, factual, verifiable - that it is God's. Because Truth is God. This means that whether it's physics, evolution, philosophy, family, music, art, or theology (and not just Christian theology) that serves as the medium, if there is something "true" to be found within it, then God is there as well. And He/She/It is loving it.

It also means that the more difficult truths - like the fact that it's ridiculous to hate someone like Kurt because God made them differently, or that all our "holy books" have errors, and that no one has the corner market on "enlightenment" - are God as well. And I think that - when we counter these lies that are propogated as truth, when we beat back the darkness in our own hearts and chase what is real (as opposed to what others "tell" us is real), when we find what is honest and sincere no matter how controversial and earth shattering it may be, that God - that Truth personified - rejoices in it.

Which, I think, is why God/Truth loves atheists, because there is no group of people in the world as dedicated to pushing past the hocus-pocus and flim-flam of whatever idols that we, as human beings, have established in order to get TO the truth. Atheists are some of the most avid truth seekers I know. Which also means that, through their doubts and questioning, they are also some of the ones that are closest to God (no matter how much they might balk at such an idea). :)

At the end of the gospel of John, we are introduced to Thomas - the great, proverbial, doubting Thomas - who refuses to simply accept his friends' word that Jesus had risen from the dead: "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."

Christ said that those who believed without seeing were "blessed." Christ admittedly conveyed his admiration for those who had the heart to believe without evidence, but this blind faith is not - in the end - what provides deliverance. The real deliverer, the real redeemer, the real "savior" is Truth. Truth is the freedom-bringer. And, when Thomas was confronted with the Truth, he embraced it and found joy in it. It was Truth, not blind faith, that set him free and made him whole.

And it did the same for me.

So I applaud Kurt, Thomas - and any others - who need to see the nail marks, who need the data and the hard evidence. It is out there, waiting for you. Keep hunting. And when you find it, when you can reach down and dig your fingers into it, when you finally clasp it and let it forever change your reality into something authentic, when you find your "sacred thing," don't you dare let it go.

Truth is calling. Answer.

Breaking news: My life is a soap opera

Breaking News: My life is a soap opera

In September, I recieved a letter on my doorstep. In it was my mother's anniversary ring - the one with four diamonds to represent the four members of our family - and a letter saying that my dad had "left her."I later learned that he'd accused her of having - at the very least - an "emotional affair" with her coworker and business partner. She, however, having learned of his online affair with another woman, apparently felt justified.

After several months of bitter arguements and feeble attempts at reconciliation, it became clear that things weren't going to get better. I, meanwhile, was having flashbacks of my time with my former fiance...horrible, soul-shattering flashbacks of things so terrible I'd "forgotten them"...and was now remembering them with heartwrenching clarity...

Cue the entrance of the classic "push and pull," the "he said, she said," that all children of divorce go through - no matter their ages. Cue my father openly admitted to cheating on my mother (at least in cyberland)....something I never really wanted to know. Cue my dad dating other women almost immediately after they seperated...and before their divorce was even finalzed. Cue my mother becoming paranoid....tying off the doors in the house with electrical cords when the alarm stopped working, accusing my father of "spying" on her via remote locating software (as if he were some sort of homicidal maniac). Cue mom oscillating between apologetic, antagonistic, and anal rententive.

Cue me not knowing how to feel about my dad...and worrying that my mother was having a mental breakdown.

Cut to: my dad only calling me when he wanted money or needed something.Cut to: me finding out, via the internet, that - when she "didn't have time" to come visit/see a movie with me - my mother was taking the daughter of the man she supposedly had an affair with out to a music concert. After weeks of asking her to come see me because I felt so alone. Because I had no one.

Fade to: me, sobbing and screaming at her over the phone. All I can manage is "She's his kid," while Mom proclaims that she never knew I was so selfish or immature. She cannot understand why I'm being so "unreasonable."

Cut to: me the next morning, unable to go to work because I feel so sick. Zoom in on me, having a panic attack for the first time, because I can't breathe I am so hurt. Pan out to me, in a counselor's office, being told I have anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of what my parents and former fiance have done to me. I began treatments and started learning coping techniques. Fade to black.

Flash foward a total of 6 months. I had logged into facebook and made a startling discovery: my mother had deleted all the pictures she had of my father and had started using her name. I had to discover, via a social networking site, that my parents were officially divorcing each other.

They didn't even have the decency to give me a phone call by way of warning.

Fade to a picture of my family in a dictionary: the word "dysfunctional" is typed in black ink in the sidebar

.......Intermission....... during which.....

I go through counseling, finally realize that it's my family that is psychotic (not me), and that despite what my former fiance has done to me, I am strong and able to survive anything.

I learn that I can love people without agreeing with what they do. And that, sometimes, that's the only option we have.

I realize that my happiness is in my hands...and I cannot wait for someone to find it for me.

I realize that no one has the right to tell me what to do or how to live my life...because it's MINE. I come to understand that I strong - not weak - because of all I have been through.

And, because of what I have been through, I come to understand that I have no room to judge...anyone...and no longer have any desire to.

I learn there is a hope for me...and that I am not "lost" or without potential.
I learn that I do have talent...and I am "good" at some things...good enough to get into one of the top low-res grad schools in the country -Vermont College of the Fine Arts - and will now have the ability to pursue my dreams (instead of someone else's).

I learn that, even for the most damaged of souls, God always has and always will have a plan.
And God always saves.

Days of Our Lives...eat your heart out.

How's THAT for a life lesson?

What is feminism? Quotes and Thoughts

Rebecca West:
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

Elaine Heffner:
Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering.

Gloria Steinem:
This is no simple reform. It really is a revolution. Sex and race because they are easy and visible differences have been the primary ways of organizing human beings into superior and inferior groups and into the cheap labour in which this system still depends. We are talking about a society in which there will be no roles other than those chosen or those earned. We are really talking about humanism

Jane Galvin Lewis:
You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman

Michele Le Doeuff:
A feminist is a woman who does not allow anyone to think in her place.

Women are not the weak, frail little flowers that they are advertised. There has never been anything invented yet, including war, that a man would enter into, that a woman wouldn't, too. ~Will Rogers

To tell a woman everything she may not do is to tell her what she can do. ~Spanish Proverb

Women are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not inherently anything but human. ~Robin Morgan

"Feminism is not about a lack of faith in God. On the contrary, it is the actualization of faith; it is the acknowledgement that God is God and man is not. If we really go back to our roots, if we really look back at our original translations, if we really get into the sematntics of it all, I think we'll find that God - the real G0d - is a decidedly different entity from who we imagine God to be. God is bigger than gender, above and beyond mere matters of "male" and "female": I daresay we should be as well." - Anonymous

Nooo....Come back, TNIV! Nooooo!

So, in the same day that I learn of the existance of a gender inclusive verison of the NIV (YAY!!!!! OH RAPTUROUS JOY AND DELIGHT!!!) I also discover it is being pulled from the shelves because certain major, male players in fundamentalist camp - Dobson, et al - are pitching a fit (BOO! HISS!!! WRATH AND WOE!).

I am utterly heartbroken.

I discovered this distressing fact on Her.meneutics - a women's blog designed to focus on issues important to Christan women. The blogger, however, Karen Beaty, alleges that the loss of this gender inclusive Bible "won't mean that much, actually."

Really?....Um....can we say showdown? ;)

I couldn't resist replying: I'm # 2 on the board, Lol.

I find this sort of sentiment absolutely infuriating - especially coming from a woman. Please, please, PLEASE go there; read this article for yourself. Better yet, go visit Zondervan's website afterwards and tell them just what you think about the course they're on. Regretfully, this decision is yet another classic, heart-rending example of why feminism is still needed and relevant (especially in the Christian sector!) We, of all people, are supposed to be promoting equality, justice, and Christ's love.

Answer me one question, Karen Beaty: How does this recent turn of events accomplish that?

Enlighten me.

Bravo, Jimmy Carter

My goodness it's refreshing to see that people can still think for themselves and that they aren't afriad to challenge tradition to stand up for what is right. I've already blogged on the "submission" verses (see April), but kudos to Jimmy Carter. His decision to leave the Southern Baptist church was no doubt a very difficult but very brave one. I applaud President Carter's integrity and his desire to see justice done in the world. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Methinks I may be a Methodist

So, I've been going to the Methodist Church down the street for about two months now...and I really, really like it. I am so excited to be attending this church (and I can't remember the last time I felt that way).

I can honestly say that this is the first church that, ideologically and theologically, I agree with. I've checked byline after byline, issue after issue, and I'm about 98% on the money with the Methodist worldview. There are no words to describe how exciting this is for me: I never thought I'd find a church where it was okay for me to be intellectually curious and challenging without being accused of being heretical.

I'm no longer lost in the fundamentalist camp!!!! YAY!!!

I just bought a book that will likely frighten my mother: Saving Dawin: How to be a Christian and Believe in Evoltion. I'm not really sure where I stand (having come from hardcore Fundie roots that, quite literally, scream "Evolution is the devil!") However, I am curious. Now that I am an adult, I think I would like to be able to make the decision whether or not evolotion is valid for myself, hence the research. Again, I love the Methodist stance that science and faith should not be incompatible...and that is soooo different from what I grew up with.

I'm not sure where I'll swing either way, but I want it to be my swing: not my parents' or anyone else's. So I'm really looking foward to reading this book and deciding for myself where I stand.

Though I must confess: part of me gets evil kicks and giggles out of the idea of putting a Darwin fish and a Jesus fish kissing each other on the back of my car. Thanks for that, Becky. Lol!