Best New Poets...and other writings

Ack!

BNP has finally read two of my three submissions, which means results shouldn't be too far away...

God, I would love to get another one of my "ill-formed offspring" in ink.

I've been working feverishly on my portfolio - while trying to move at the same time - but have had some surprisingly good results. Just penned a poem I adore, "visiting lady lethe (late one friday evening)," about my late great-grandmother. I've asked Professor Pantano - Edge Hill University - to look over my portfolio and see what needs tweaking so that I'm more competetive as I go to apply for my MFA this fall. Hopefully, this will help my chances and - if nothing else -I'm having a marvelous time and getting some much needed input.

I'm really excited about where this is headed...I feel possibilities dancing around in my brain, and I absolutely love it. It's a wonderful place to be (famous last words: I'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet in the form of rejection letters and a "your poems suck" declaration from Prof. P, lol).

So we'll see how things go!

In the meantime, I'm off to do some NEFEC homework (ugh!) and enjoy Father's Day. Best wishes to all, and to all...an MFA acceptance? :D Take care, folks.

Low Carb Kick

It is official: I am now, in part, a health nut.

After recently stepping on the scale and discovering that I gained 20 lbs - 10lbs during my volitile relationship and 10lbs after the break-up of said relationship - I have decided enough is enough. There's no way I'm going to sit here and become a blard-o-saurus just because of some stupid boy who broke my heart. To pervert Dorothy's statement as she clicked her dainty heels together, "I will not be a Mack-truck. I will not be a Mack-truck. I will not be a Mack-truck."

I've never really been one for diet and exercise; my metabolism - up to this point - has always been active enough to where I've never needed to do such things. Obviously, those days have come and gone.


In a way, though, this is kind of exciting. I've always wanted to eat/live healthier, so now I have an excuse to summon the motivation to do so. I wanted something that would work fast...and something that is totally new to me, so I opted to try the low carb approach.

And it has been hard. Brutally hard.

Seriously. Normally all that I eat is carbs: bread, pasta, rice, bagles, ugh!!! I WANT IT NOW!!!! :P I could kill for some tortellini...or some chocolate cake.


But no. I resist. I perservere. I carry on - and the pounds do not. In one week, I have already lost 6 lbs just by cutting the extra carbs out of my diet and replacing them with protein and fiber. :D Tilapia, that yummiest and least fishy-tasting of fish, has become my new best friend. Gorton's sells a wonderful butter/garlic dressed variety; it's also killer with just a little bit of salsa on top if you're itching for something spicy. Pair it with some "Simply Steamed" seasoned veggies and, dear Lord, I'm in diet heaven. It's really not too bad!


I'm trying to keep my carb count to 20 g net, a la Atkins, at least for the first two weeks (though I must confess, if I go a couple over I'm not going to have a heart attack). To help stave off my carb cravings, I'm looking into a baking alternative: almond flower. Only about 2 net carbs per 1/4 cup of flour..which means I could have LOTS and LOTS of cookies to get me through! Or muffins...or cake...

If you're feeling moisture flying at you from across the screen, please forgive me. I'm salivating pretty intensely at this juncture.


Newest Wish List Item:

To steal a line from the Beatles: "I WANT YOU! I WANT YOU SOOOOO BAD!!!"

The catch: sugar creates carbs too...so I will see if I can use splenda/other yummy substitutes and still get the effect I desire. Who knows? If I find anything particularly yummy - even if its outside of the realm of baked goods - I may just post the recipe here!


I'll keep you posted: in the meantime, I'm off to eat some chicken and broccoli! Yum! Toodles!

Summer Dreamin'

I've decided that this summer I am going to "dream big" and keep busy. I distinctly remember emerging from the end of my previous summer thinking to myself "Goodness, where did it go?" and "How did I so completely and utterly waste it?"

I've been itching to have an adventue as of late - to stretch the bounds of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't normally have time/be inclined to do. I'm really hoping to adventure into the realm of the abnormal, and have a marvelous time doing it. It's not about "succeeding" at anything this time around: just about enjoying the ride. :D

Here's my adventure checklist - We'll see which items I mark off (or add later on, lol):

1) Visit Christina and her new baby!!!! This is a must!! :D
2) Have a "Girls' Weekend" Beach Trip to St. Augustine. I'm a native Floridian and I've never been...yes, I know: it's pathetic - hence its location on my to do list.
3) Audition for American Idol when it comes to Orlando - just for kicks and giggles. *cue AI theme song: duh duh duh duh duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh duh!*
4) Spend a much needed week with Tori Sandbrook in Boston, MA
5) Spend some time with the family in North Carolina...I love me some mountains. I'm hoping to get in some hiking, cavern exploring, horseback riding, white-water rafting goodness.
5) FINALLY read some of the books I've been dying to read
6) Continue to build my poetry portfolio and, hopefully, get accepted into a poetry journal for publication
7) Work on my would-be chick-lit/urban fantasy novel

Here's to adventure! :D

Bittersweet Beauty

I don't regret my decision to break-up with my fiance. For where we were at and what was going on in our lives, it was the right thing to do. I know that now...but it's still hard and, in spite of everything, I still miss him. So much.

I wish I could hate him, that I could rant, rave, and curse him from here to Timbucktu.
All I can manage is a bitter, nostalgic sigh.

He's changing...for the better...and I am instensely jealous and heartbroken by it, as petty as that sounds.

He's found a church and finally started attending on a regular basis - all on his own.
He's involved with the music ministry at his church.
He's eating healthy, working out, and trying to take care of himself.
He's learning how to manage his money.
He's got a chance to - if it pans out - get out of the dead end job he's been stuck in and pursue something that makes him happy.

....all of which I begged him to do when we were still together. For months, I begged. Months. Now, when it's too late, he finally acts on these things.

I am happy for him. I truly am. It brings me great joy to know that something good has come out of this, that - despite all the heartache - his life is changing for the better, that he is finally becoming the person that God meant for him to be.

It just breaks my heart that it's all happening now that I'm gone.

Why? Why couldn't it have happened when we were together? Why couldn't he realize the things his realizing now when I begged him to? Why does he get to be a good person now that he's away from me?

At the risk of sounding like a petulent two-year old, it's not fair.
It's good, I'm happy for him, but it simply isn't fair.

And it hurts.

Ethical dilemmas

Former boy is sick...going into the hospital for a procedure.

He wants to see my puppy for a couple of days before he goes.

Mentally, I'm thinking "Well, the guy's about to go through a lot...you should probably "woman-up" and be kind - even if it's hugely uncomfortable. He doesn't really have anybody and this could be a good thing to do." Which, of course, my parents are gunning for.

The more emotional part of me is saying "I don't want to be anywhere near this man. The thought of it alone makes me hurt. It's my dog; he doesn't have a right to insert himself into my life anymore."

I feel like my personal boundaries are being violated...like I'm being forced into continued contact with a man I want nothing to do with. I just want to be left ALONE. So much of my life for the past year and a half was wrapped up in doing what he wanted me to do. Consequently, my instinctive reaction is to say "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is my life now. You can't have it back; you can't be a part of it."

My inner two year old is screaming "THIS IS NOT FAIR" but part of me grudgingly worries I'm being petty...

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

God knows I'm out of them.

I feel like my entire life is hanging by some sort of invisible, unbalanced, thread. I can't see which way I'm supposed to turn on the highwire. Will I have a job two weeks from now when the county-wide lay-offs are announced - which will mean frantically searching for a new apartments and/or new roomates. Or will I be forced to trek it back to Orlando and search for a job there, living with my parents - kowtowing to their views, rules, and procedures - as though I were some sort of invalid instead of a fully fuctinioning adult? I just don't know...

And the worst part is, I'm not even sure which one I want anymore.

I am going to feel like an utter failure if I stay with my parents for more than the summer. If I'm truly an "adult" then I should be doing the adult thing and be trying to make my own life. But God, it is lonely in an apartment by yourself with no one but your dog for company; and at least I'd be as far away from the former-fiance as possible...less potential for heartahce that way. Not to mention, the security of a familiar place is extremely comforting in its own way....

I guess I'm just looking for direction. I will try to cope with whichever scenario I end up following: I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing - following the course of action that will actually get me somewhere and help me DO something with my life.

Guess I'm just waiting for the right window....

La vie poem!

Great news:

Three of my students went to a poetry slam...we practiced...they competed...and two of them took 1st and 2nd place - beating out all the other kids from all the other high schools!!!

I am so proud!! :D

...

The ex is still calling. STILL.

Just when I start to feel like I can function: another message lies waiting on the machine.

How am I supposed to get better if it doesn't ever stop? How am I supposed to heal?

And why do I feel guilty and like a bad person for needing space?


And why do I want to cry when I get email messages like this - even though I know it's "for the best":

"you know what, i get it-im through with this."

through with me, he means...like I'm not worth the breath it takes to write the email....

And why do I even care? STILL? When I'm the one who initiated it?

I should be rejoicing, right?....then why does my heart hurt? Why does it still matter?

And as I care, why do I still feel afraid?


...and why am I writing about it here?